There is one thing and one thing only that is universally true.
It doesn’t matter where you come from. It doesn’t matter who your parents are. It doesn’t matter how much money you have.
Everyone read “Hatchet” in elementary school.
You remember: the story of a young boy who gets stranded in nature and proceeds to get his 13-year-old ass whooped over and over again by Madre Nature until this trusty ol’ tool saves the day:
It’s also universally true that everyone had to make a diorama of a scene from the book.
The book is unforgettable. Everyone remembers the pilot starting to fart and feeling a pain in his arm.
I mean, he literally has a fart attack.
It’s the book that taught you that eating those red berries gives you colossal case of the diarrhea.
You know the feeling.
It’s the book that made you terrified of moose. Mooses? Meece? I’m not going to look it up. I mean, remember how bad that one moose fucks Brian up?
Moose are evil.
Moose are scary.
Moose need to get their l’il meese-butts hit by a tornado.
And man, oh man. How about when he gets his eyes swollen shut from all those mosquitoes?
Brian gets destroyed.
And let’s not forget about that dang porcupine that quills the ever-loving life outta Brian.
And also let him figure out how to make fire.
Or the part when he gets skunked up real good.
Remember that horrifying scene when Brian finds fish eating the dead pilot’s body?
And the description of the dead pilot’s bloated body? Nightmare stuff.
How about when he gets rescued and has that orange beverage? I don’t even know what kind of orange bevvy, but you’re a liar if you didn’t want some tangy bevvies after that.
And don’t even get me started on Brian’s Winter or The River. That’s a whole ‘nother can o’ worms.
Oh, and that white blob on the front cover? THAT’S A HATCHET.
Chances are it’s the last and only book you actually read in school.
I mean, why read anything else?
Long live Hatchet.